“If I only ate noodles for the rest of my life, I would be happy.”

I. Love. Noodles. Any kind. Any shape. Any cuisine. Pasta, dumplings, ramen, pierogis, raviolis. Literally anything that is made from boiled dough, I’m there. You bet your sweet ass that a noodle dish of some sort is apart of my already-planned-out-ten-course last meal.

So it was fitting that the recipe that I flipped to in this amazing book, What the F#%k Should I Make For Dinner, was pasta. This book was given to me as a gift, and while it’s not my go-to book to cook from, it is a hilarious read, a pretty useful website and full of really good, simple meal ideas. If you are easily offended, this may not be the book for you. And thankfully, my friends know that this was a PERFECT book for me.

Besides the fact that every recipe title and instructions are filled to the brim with swear words and sexual references, the book sort of yells at you to cook things - “Prove you high school guidance counselor wrong, and don’t f#%k up some Frisée and Apple Salad”, “Make your urine smell delightfully awkward with some f#%king Asparagus with Egg” or the recipe I flipped to, “Lessen your mother’s shame with some f#%king Linguine with Heirloom Tomatoes and Anchovy.”

Even if directions like “roast the shit out of it” or “bake until when you taste it, you explode in your pants” aren’t your thing, the concept of “what the f#%k should I make for dinner” is universally relevant. It’s more than just a silly question or a lack of decisiveness. It is a state of being - a delicate blend of desperation and necessity. It’s those days when you are so exhausted that the only thing that will revitalize you is a comforting, home-cooked meal. But you are in no place to produce that kind of effort, and you are running out of time before you explode from an empty stomach. You need something now. Like right now.

Maybe it’s just for you. Maybe it needs to feed a hangry family or a moody significant other. No matter the variables, I think everyone should take the time to figure out what this meal is to you. A low effort, low cost, minimal ingredient meal that has the potential to make everything better. To ease the pain of a long day; to lessen the blow of dealing with exhausting people all day; to make you feel like you can do something right. A true comfort meal, that you provide for yourself. I think every home cook needs a “what the f#%k should I make for dinner” meal in their arsenal. And from here on out, this shall be referred to as “WTFSIMFD.”

For me, this meal is ALWAYS noodles. In my most desperate times, it is only noodles, butter, salt and pepper. Other times, it’s carbonara or a version of cacio e pepe. If I’m alone, it involves ALOT of garlic. Now-a-days, it almost always involves anchovies and toasted bread crumbs.

LET’S TALK ABOUT ANCHOVIES!!

You should eat more of them. Sorry, maybe that’s too intense. You should cook with them more, then you will eat them and not really notice you are eating them. Then you will start to put them in everything because you finally realized the best secret in the kitchen…

ANCHOVIES MAKE EVERYTHING TASTE BETTER.

They do. I promise.

I’m not telling you need to immediately forgo your favorite pizza topping and replace it with anchovies. Or get full fillets the next time you order a Caesar Salad. Even though I both of those things on the reg.

But if a recipe calls for anchovies, don’t chicken out. Use them. There is a reason they are in a recipe. They add an amazing earthy, salty and savoriness (fancy people call this umami) that you just can’t replicate. They add something special that is rarely identified by the eater as anchovies. Believe me. My husband has no idea how many things he’s eaten with anchovies. Surprise!

If you are ready to make everything you cook taste better, start with a tube of anchovy paste. You can find it near the fancy pasta sauces in the Italian section of your grocery store. Once you’ve graduated from that, look for high quality jarred or tinned varieties. I always have a few of these Ortiz tins in my cabinet, and a jar in the fridge. And before you know it, you will order a delivery pizza and put your own anchovies on it. Yes. I do that. All the time.

Alright, now that I’ve concluded my love letter to anchovies, let’s talk about this dish.

Bucatini - long noodles with a lovely little hole in them. They are sturdy and slurpy and amazing. And thankfully for you, the fine folks at Bon Appetit already wrote their love letter to these noodles. Here you go. Bucatini Is the Best Long Pasta There Ever Was or Will Be

Toasted Anchovy Breadcrumbs - this is a non-negotiable part of my WTFSIMFD meal. If I have enough foresight to have a crusty roll from my favorite bakery at home, I’ll rip off the crusty outside (give it to Rusty because that’s his favorite part) and tear apart the soft innards for my breadcrumbs. I like having larger chunks of toasty pieces that can really soak up all the infused olive oil. But if I’m not that lucky, I always have a bag of breadcrumbs in my fridge.

Caramelized Fennel - on a normal WTFSIMFD meal day, I would most likely not make the time for this. While I do love the sweetness and slight crunch you get from letting the fennel slowing caramelize in a skillet, if I’m in a hurry, this gets scratched. But the day I made this, I was casually making lunch for myself, so I had some extra time. And some extra fennel to use. Have some leftover caramelized onions, throw them in. Hate onions? Forget I said anything.

In the original recipe from the book, heirloom tomatoes get cooked with the pasta. Large, warm chunks of tomatoes are not my thing, so I chose to go a different direction and tossed in sliced cherry tomatoes at the end. If it’s in the middle of winter, I’ll opt for some roasted peppers. Or leave it out all together.

If you are looking for a funny gift for the vulgar food-lover in your life, I would recommend this book. If you are so f#%king hungry you don’t know what to do, I would recommend making this dish. If you don’t like pasta, make something else that makes you feeling f#%king happy.

Bucatini with Caramelized Fennel, Cherry Tomatoes and Anchovy Breadcrumbs

Serves two regular people, or 1 hungry Megan

8 oz. bucatini - a touch more than half of a standard 12 oz. box of pasta
1 small fennel bulb, cored and thinly sliced
4 anchovy fillets
2 garlic cloves, peeled
½ cup course fresh breadcrumbs
½ carton cherry tomatoes - about 6 oz., sliced in half
Parmesan cheese
Fresh parsley and basil, chopped
Salt and pepper
EVOO

In a medium pan, add two tablespoons of EVOO, anchovy fillets and whole garlic cloves. Let melt together over medium heat for about 3 minutes. Add fresh breadcrumbs and toast until most are golden brown and crunchy, adding more EVOO if bread seems too dry. Remove garlic cloves, transfer breadcrumbs to a bowl and return pan to stove top. Do your best not to eat all the breadcrumbs as you make the rest of the pasta.

Coat the surface of the same medium pan with EVOO. Add sliced fennel and slowly caramelize over medium-low heat, about 20-25 minutes.

Cook pasta in boiling, salted water, about 7 minutes. Before draining the pasta, keep about 1 cup of the starchy pasta water.

Once pasta is al dente, transfer the drained noodles to the pan with the fennel and mix together. Add a splash of the pasta water until everything is nice and loose.

Pour noodles and fennel into a mixing bowl. Add halved cherry tomatoes, lots of grated Parmesan cheese, parsley, basil and half of the toasted breadcrumbs. Mix together and add salt and pepper to taste.

Use tongs to swirl noodles onto a plate, making sure to spoon fennel and tomatoes over the pasta. Top each plate with the remaining breadcrumbs, more Parmesan cheese and a drizzle of EVOO.